j'adore fabulosity

We all know it. Some of us run from it, some seek it to feel complete, and others avoid it all together. If you've ever been in an relationship you know what I'm talking about:COMMITMENT. I'll be the first to admit that I have a major problem with it. I like to call my commitment anxiety. The thought of giving all of myself, wholly and completely to one person scares me. Much is required when two individuals decide to be committed to each other, and at twenty-years-old I don't honestly believe one knows how to even go about doing so. Commitment is largely a learning process. It's not static; it is a continuum. As we live, experience, grow, and develop we become better suited to commit. But the problem arises when our significant others don't recognize that the capacity and desire to settle down and be monogamous is not instantaneous nor second nature for everyone.

My lived experience has put me in a position where being committed to one individual has constantly caused strife. My dedication was abused, ignored, and unappreciated which changes everything. I lost the ability to give of my innermost self to anyone. Everything that commitment once stood for (passion, love, devotion) has was stripped away, so for me commitment is much easier said than done, and I know I'm not the only one.

I'm scared. Commitment is one of my biggest fears because it requires one to be completely exposed and blatantly vulnerable to possible hurt, pain, and disappointment. I've been hurt; it's not a good feeling. I've known pain; it's not as bearable as people like to make it seen. I've felt disappointment; it's much stronger and longer lasting than it seems. As much as we want to deny it, fear plays some role in our everyday lives. I hate letting my fear of hurt dictate the path and depth of my relationships. It's hard to get beyond this, but it is something that must be done to make a relationship more than a fleeting moment of attraction.

Angela Simmons is one of the most underrated, yet uniquely fab celebrities today. Yes, did become famous due to her father, yet she has managed to use this status to become a mini mogul. She not only has her Pasty sneaker line, which recently added bags and clothes, but she also is the Executive Editor of Angela's Rundown, a 16-page insert in Word Up! Magazine. And soon she will be stepping into the music world releasing her debut album. That's major moves. I'm trying to get like her! And the entire family will be back for another season of Run's House on July 16th.

B. Scott spoke to my soul with one of his recent posts entitled, "Stop Convincing People of S*%!". I did not fully realized how and what I was doing to prove myself to others, but after a little thought I now know its so true. No matter how fly or how fab I presented myself as, the reality was that I spent the majority of my time trying to convince other people, people that were doing nothing to improve my life, that they needed me in their lives and that I was truly fly and fab. But if I have to convince anyone that I'm needed in his or her life, that's not a relationship that is worth pursuing. You should be on TEAM S. LEE from the beginning. I'm not convincing anyone about me. You should be absolutely sure from day one. I'm done selling myself like some sort of product. If anyone cannot recognize and comprehend your fierceness then they are clearly not on your level. We get so confused believing that we have so much to prove. People are going to think and say whatever they want about you regardless of how much you try to change their opinions, therefore the energy of convincing is wasted. There are other, more important things that energy can be exerted on and personally, I'm now going to focus on those things. It's really get with it or get lost.

Yesterday I learned that each day presents itself as an opportunity for a new beginning. In the midst of my new beginning I learned that I am a good person. Under all my layers, everything I think I am, everything other people believe me to be, and my pretentious bs, I am a genuinely good person. For awhile, I was so confounded by all of the above that I lost sight and lost track of that person inside. But its good to have her back. I still struggle because I know who I am now and I see who I want to be. It's hard. Damn near impossible it seems sometime to navigate that narrow path that leads to the delicate balance of the two. It's so hard. I want to do better. I want to be better. I know better. Now it's just about DOING BETTER. Sometimes it takes a torrential downpour to come through and wash away everything. All that doesn't matter. All that stands in the way of that good person lying dormant inside me. It functions as a symbolic cleansing. Life is inundated with storms, but they are oh so necessary. Because if we can just hold on until it passes, the calm that it brings can produce peace and all the change one needs.

June 3, 2008 was historic for every American. Barack Obama winning the Democratic Nomination for President transcends every race, gender, age, religion, and political affiliation. I used to be very militant, and overly incessant about the fact that racial relations in this country, OUR country have progressed in theory, but not in practice. Now, I have living, breathing evidence to the contrary. We have taken a step. As a nation, we have spoken. We have let it be known that intelligence, character, charisma, and ability are worth more that the color of one's skin or ancestry. This is big. Like Michelle Obama, this is truly one of the first moments in my adult lifetime that I have been really proud of my country. Work done and work more to do. The task of changing the world has only just begun. Obama '08! Yours in the struggle.--keo

Sometime it's hard to put feelings into perfectly crafted sentences, and form intelligible paragraphs with the hopes that others will read it and understand. For these times quotes work as tools to communicate ones innermost thoughts and feelings, perfectly. Less, at times, is really more. So these are just some of the things I'm feeling at the time...

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right. You believe less so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together"-Marylin Monroe

"Watch your thoughts, for they become words. Watch your words, for they become actions. Watch your actions, for they become habits. Watch your habits, for they become character. Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny."

"Confidence, wear it like make up"

"A lot of horrible, unfair, untrue things have been said about me. All I can say is that the best revenge is success." -Kate Moss

"A girl should always be two things: classy and fabulous" -Coco Chanel

"We need to let ourselves become the unique individuals God created us to be. We need to stop trying to be what everyone else wants us to be and stop worrying about what everyone else thinks."

"Pick Me. Choose Me. Love Me."-Grey's Anatomy

"The heart has reasons that reason cannot know."

"Always Make New Mistakes"

"You Only Get What You Give"

“We come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly”

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." -Dr. Seuss

"There has never been anything false about hope"

"The Audacity of Hope"

"Fabulous is as fabulous does" -Kimora Lee Simmons

"Too often the thing we want the most is the one thing we can't have. Desire leaves us heartbroken. It wears us out. Desire can wreck your life, but as tough as wanting something can be, the people who suffer the most are those who don't know what they want."
-Grey's Anatomy

Indecision is defined as the inability to decide. Weather it be what to wear or who to see, indecision is dangerous. This is even more true when it comes to relationships. We've all met those people. You know, the one's who want it all: the perfect boyfriend or girlfriend and that little extra special something on the side that can be picked up when needed. I will admit, I was this person. I had the person that would always be there. That person that loved me so much that despite anything I could and would do to them they would stay with me. I call him my ride-or-die. He was the one person that was down for me no matter what, no matter when, no matter how.

While my ride-or-die was a wonderful person that loved me more than I believed was humanly possible, I still wanted more. I was not just satisfied with his undying affection and attention. I wanted more. So, I found another who was very different from him. I cheated. There was nothing that my ride-or-die could have done to prevent that. He was perfect. It was me. I made the conscious decision to seek out someone else. I sought excitement and change, and the new man stimulated a different side of me. It wasn't that he was necessarily better or that he loved me more than my boyfriend: it was just different. Making an excuse for my actions would be a feeble attempt to negate the stress, pain, and torture I put my ride-or-die through, so I cannot and will not do that: I respect him too much, but this situation was all my fault. Needless to say things got complicated.

I did not know what I wanted. Dazed and confused, I was forced to make a decision, and I struggled. The situation educed anguish and pain because I could not easily make a choice. My indecision paired with his desire created a highly combustible situation. We both wanted much and we both suffered great scars, and I feared hurting him even more than I already had with my previous indiscretion. Ultimately and quickly, I chose my relationship. We had history and it nothing else I had developed a sense of loyalty towards him. I was conflicted because I felt like I owed him for my mistake, but I also felt incomplete and the constant desire for more from my relationship. Because of this I engaged in a commitment that I was not ready for. I got in over my head because I did not want to disappoint and I was afraid to say I wasn't ready.

I chose my relationship, which has proven to be both good and bad. While I have learned to accept my ride-or-die for all of the wonderful things that he is, I still notice all the things he is not. While I know no one is perfect, I sometimes wonder if he's the perfect one for me. I feel guilty, but I do. How do I know? How can I be sure? What if there's someone else out there for me? Every single day I struggle with this. I constantly question my hasty decision, and wonder what my life would be like with a different outcome. I'm still unsure, and it's agonizing but I made the decisions I made and living with them are proving to be one of the greatest challenges of my life.