The Point of Indecision
"Too often the thing we want the most is the one thing we can't have. Desire leaves us heartbroken. It wears us out. Desire can wreck your life, but as tough as wanting something can be, the people who suffer the most are those who don't know what they want."
-Grey's Anatomy
Indecision is defined as the inability to decide. Weather it be what to wear or who to see, indecision is dangerous. This is even more true when it comes to relationships. We've all met those people. You know, the one's who want it all: the perfect boyfriend or girlfriend and that little extra special something on the side that can be picked up when needed. I will admit, I was this person. I had the person that would always be there. That person that loved me so much that despite anything I could and would do to them they would stay with me. I call him my ride-or-die. He was the one person that was down for me no matter what, no matter when, no matter how.
While my ride-or-die was a wonderful person that loved me more than I believed was humanly possible, I still wanted more. I was not just satisfied with his undying affection and attention. I wanted more. So, I found another who was very different from him. I cheated. There was nothing that my ride-or-die could have done to prevent that. He was perfect. It was me. I made the conscious decision to seek out someone else. I sought excitement and change, and the new man stimulated a different side of me. It wasn't that he was necessarily better or that he loved me more than my boyfriend: it was just different. Making an excuse for my actions would be a feeble attempt to negate the stress, pain, and torture I put my ride-or-die through, so I cannot and will not do that: I respect him too much, but this situation was all my fault. Needless to say things got complicated.
I did not know what I wanted. Dazed and confused, I was forced to make a decision, and I struggled. The situation educed anguish and pain because I could not easily make a choice. My indecision paired with his desire created a highly combustible situation. We both wanted much and we both suffered great scars, and I feared hurting him even more than I already had with my previous indiscretion. Ultimately and quickly, I chose my relationship. We had history and it nothing else I had developed a sense of loyalty towards him. I was conflicted because I felt like I owed him for my mistake, but I also felt incomplete and the constant desire for more from my relationship. Because of this I engaged in a commitment that I was not ready for. I got in over my head because I did not want to disappoint and I was afraid to say I wasn't ready.
I chose my relationship, which has proven to be both good and bad. While I have learned to accept my ride-or-die for all of the wonderful things that he is, I still notice all the things he is not. While I know no one is perfect, I sometimes wonder if he's the perfect one for me. I feel guilty, but I do. How do I know? How can I be sure? What if there's someone else out there for me? Every single day I struggle with this. I constantly question my hasty decision, and wonder what my life would be like with a different outcome. I'm still unsure, and it's agonizing but I made the decisions I made and living with them are proving to be one of the greatest challenges of my life.
-Grey's Anatomy
Indecision is defined as the inability to decide. Weather it be what to wear or who to see, indecision is dangerous. This is even more true when it comes to relationships. We've all met those people. You know, the one's who want it all: the perfect boyfriend or girlfriend and that little extra special something on the side that can be picked up when needed. I will admit, I was this person. I had the person that would always be there. That person that loved me so much that despite anything I could and would do to them they would stay with me. I call him my ride-or-die. He was the one person that was down for me no matter what, no matter when, no matter how.
While my ride-or-die was a wonderful person that loved me more than I believed was humanly possible, I still wanted more. I was not just satisfied with his undying affection and attention. I wanted more. So, I found another who was very different from him. I cheated. There was nothing that my ride-or-die could have done to prevent that. He was perfect. It was me. I made the conscious decision to seek out someone else. I sought excitement and change, and the new man stimulated a different side of me. It wasn't that he was necessarily better or that he loved me more than my boyfriend: it was just different. Making an excuse for my actions would be a feeble attempt to negate the stress, pain, and torture I put my ride-or-die through, so I cannot and will not do that: I respect him too much, but this situation was all my fault. Needless to say things got complicated.
I did not know what I wanted. Dazed and confused, I was forced to make a decision, and I struggled. The situation educed anguish and pain because I could not easily make a choice. My indecision paired with his desire created a highly combustible situation. We both wanted much and we both suffered great scars, and I feared hurting him even more than I already had with my previous indiscretion. Ultimately and quickly, I chose my relationship. We had history and it nothing else I had developed a sense of loyalty towards him. I was conflicted because I felt like I owed him for my mistake, but I also felt incomplete and the constant desire for more from my relationship. Because of this I engaged in a commitment that I was not ready for. I got in over my head because I did not want to disappoint and I was afraid to say I wasn't ready.
I chose my relationship, which has proven to be both good and bad. While I have learned to accept my ride-or-die for all of the wonderful things that he is, I still notice all the things he is not. While I know no one is perfect, I sometimes wonder if he's the perfect one for me. I feel guilty, but I do. How do I know? How can I be sure? What if there's someone else out there for me? Every single day I struggle with this. I constantly question my hasty decision, and wonder what my life would be like with a different outcome. I'm still unsure, and it's agonizing but I made the decisions I made and living with them are proving to be one of the greatest challenges of my life.
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