j'adore fabulosity: Relationships

Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts

Love Vs. Money

Posted on 9:09 AM No Comments
Labels: Lesson, Life, Love, Money, Reality, Relationships

This one is bound to bring controversy but I just gotta say it. So recently I've been listening to The Dream Love Vs. Money Album specifically the tracks Love Vs. Money and Love Vs. Money 2. It has really made me think about motives and the nature of relationships between men and women. For most it is a war of the worlds. There is an innate desire to be financially stable as well as to be loved. A woman who uses money as a defining criteria within a relationship is automatically given the title gold digger, and I can't say this is necessarily fair. As a woman, I want to feel as though the man I'm with can take care of me even though I don't necessarily need him to. The ability to do so if need be is the security that I know some women seek. Now please don't get it twisted. I CAN provide for myself. Ms. Independent, She got her own, and all that good stuff, BUT I still need someone that's doing the same or even better than me because if I settle for a man who isn't in pursuit of success and financial gains we don't want the same things. I'm trying to do better and better in my life and I just need someone who's doing the same and I hate to be blunt but the ambitious, hard-working, driven type of man usually ain't the broke one. I'm just sayin. Don't get me wrong...money and success should never be the grounds upon which we base a relationship, but it doesn't make you a gold digger if it's factored into the decision. Dream's song addresses another issue: the fact that love didn't exist in a relationship and someone attempts to fix the problem with money. That's a much bigger issue. But just because a woman seeks a man with financial stability does not make her a gold digger...It makes her smart.

Done Settling

Posted on 5:40 PM No Comments
Labels: Life, Love, Relationships

Why do we take what we take in relationships? Are we settling when we put up with bullshit or are we really held captive by love? I was taught that love was 1st Corinthians: 13 “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

and if that be so... why do we as men and women sit and allow bullshit to masquerade as love and ruin our lives? We let it break us down forget our worth and settle for sub par. This makes the extraordinary just average. I personally can no longer allow my light to be dulled so that wackness can shine. I'm done with the bs because I simply no longer have the strength. I know who I am: fabulous with or without you. Get with it or get lost...

The Miseducation of Me

Posted on 2:45 PM No Comments
Labels: Celebrity, Lesson, Life, Love, Men, Reflection, Relationships

I had to do it in honor of the great Lauryn Hill and her 34th Birthday. Eleven years ago she changed my life and so many others with her album the Miseducation of Lauryn Hill, but now its time to talk a little but about my own miseducation:

To miseducate is to improperly educate.

My miseducation takes rare form when it comes to relationships because of the belief that I had the power to change a man. I thought I knew something only to learn that I knew nothing at all. I thought I held the power only to find out I was the weakest. It was a hard pill to swallow, and it actually still feels lodged in my throat.

I thought I could change a man but I could not have been more wrong. I liked him. He liked me. There were things that I didn't like but it was like my 80/20. He had 80% of the qualities that I wanted but I was still seeking that 20%. I thought I could mold him and make him into what I wanted to be. I was so caught up in the things that he was not that I missed all the wonderful things that he was. I wanted a bad boy so I provoked him and started fights. I said he was too nice so I pushed him away. I played with his emotions only to fulfill my own peaty desires for drama. I broke up with him because I felt I was missing out on life, and I left him to his own devices.

But that's not the worse part. Once I realized I left my 80 trying to get that 20, I wanted him back. I went to work. I finally opened up told him, I really felt, and prayed that he would take me back. I thought with all of my scheming and plotting ways I could snap and he would coming running back, but reality is a bitch. He didn't come running back. I drove miles and miles expecting for everything to be like it was with a bat of my eyelash and I was wrong.

He changed. He became more like the 20 and less like the 80 I was in love with. It was my fault. Random indiscretions. Random girls all the time. And that left me with random insecurities. Where he is? Who he's with? How does he feel about me? He embraced the role I threw him into, and all the changes that thought I wanted pushed us further and further apart, and we were both shells of the wonderful people we used to be.

My friend was also taught this same crazy lesson. She believed she could take a man, a D-I college athlete whose sole focus was to build his body count and make him faithful. Though she tried, hoped, and believed something about her would make him change. Long story short...It didn't. He had sex with the half the female population while she waited and waited for a change that would never come.

This lesson has to be relearned, taught again, and figured out. Somewhere along the relationship road women are learning that they can shape and mold a man into whatever they want him to be, but this is the furthest thing from the truth. A man is who he is and he's gonna be who he wants to be. No matter who you are, what you wear, how fly your weave, or how good you put it on him, he will still be the man that he has been raised to be. The man HE WANTS to be. The sooner we realize this the better off we will be. We won't drive ourselves crazy because things aren't turning out according to plan. Instead we will grow, live, and learn to appreciate those in our lives for all the beautiful things that they are instead of lingering on all the things that they are not. When we can do this changing that man won't matter because we will realize that true love is not the loving the perfect person but its loving the imperfect person, perfectly.

Body Counts

Posted on 9:08 PM No Comments
Labels: Life, Relationships, Sex

What is the big issue with body counts? I just never have really understood the purpose and/or importance of this question. The dating, relationship, hook-up, jumpoff, or whatever you and another person are doing will be going perfectly well, then someone wants to ask this question. This is where feelings get hurt. It's really just one big game, and there is no right answer. Females ask this knowing that they really don't want the answer because if the number is too low you think, "What's wrong with him?" and if the number is too high you don't feel "special" anymore because you have to face the reality that all those lines he's been whispering in your ear are all just apart of his game that has worked on you and so many before you. Men ask this question and use the answer to determine two things: if a girl is a bust down and how easy it will be for him to hit. But lets be honest, if you took it to the point of even discussing body counts you were probably gonna hit anyway, no matter what her answer was.

But the thing is you would still be going off of an assumption because someone's body count does not necessarily represent where they are and who they are in life right now. Someone could have easily been loose when they were younger, have had a change of heart, and could have had none or very few partners since then. Likewise, someone could have remained a virgin for a while, lost it then had multiple partners in succession, this doesn't make them a hoe, just someone trying to see what they can see. So these assumptions we make really can make asses out of us. Another person might ask this question before a sexual encounter because they don't want to be put at risk for contracting a STD, which is smart, but if you were really smart you wouldn't take an acquaintance's word about his or her sexual history. I'm all about protecting yourself because STD's are all to real out here, but how you sound believing whatever some says about their sexual behavior as truth. That could really be your life you in the balance. Trusting someone is great and all, but the only person I trust with my life is Jesus. If you really love yourself, your life and want to be safe go with your partner or soon-to-be partner and get tested and wrap it before you tap it every single time and forget this dumb question that lures individuals into a false sense of security and leads to misrepresentations.

A friend of mine and I recently decided that no matter who asks, the answer will be three because honestly the actual count doesn't matter. It is an arbitrary assignment that people use to put their partners in a box. I personally don't buy into the whole idea. I'm me. You should be more interested in finding out who I am than how many people I've been with. That should be what determines how you feel about me not a body count. That number doesn't define me.

The C Word

Posted on 7:46 AM No Comments
Labels: Commitment, Hurt, Life, Love, Pain, Relationships

We all know it. Some of us run from it, some seek it to feel complete, and others avoid it all together. If you've ever been in an relationship you know what I'm talking about:COMMITMENT. I'll be the first to admit that I have a major problem with it. I like to call my commitment anxiety. The thought of giving all of myself, wholly and completely to one person scares me. Much is required when two individuals decide to be committed to each other, and at twenty-years-old I don't honestly believe one knows how to even go about doing so. Commitment is largely a learning process. It's not static; it is a continuum. As we live, experience, grow, and develop we become better suited to commit. But the problem arises when our significant others don't recognize that the capacity and desire to settle down and be monogamous is not instantaneous nor second nature for everyone.

My lived experience has put me in a position where being committed to one individual has constantly caused strife. My dedication was abused, ignored, and unappreciated which changes everything. I lost the ability to give of my innermost self to anyone. Everything that commitment once stood for (passion, love, devotion) has was stripped away, so for me commitment is much easier said than done, and I know I'm not the only one.

I'm scared. Commitment is one of my biggest fears because it requires one to be completely exposed and blatantly vulnerable to possible hurt, pain, and disappointment. I've been hurt; it's not a good feeling. I've known pain; it's not as bearable as people like to make it seen. I've felt disappointment; it's much stronger and longer lasting than it seems. As much as we want to deny it, fear plays some role in our everyday lives. I hate letting my fear of hurt dictate the path and depth of my relationships. It's hard to get beyond this, but it is something that must be done to make a relationship more than a fleeting moment of attraction.

Team S. Lee

Posted on 7:52 AM comments (1)
Labels: Fabulous, Lesson, Life, Relationships

B. Scott spoke to my soul with one of his recent posts entitled, "Stop Convincing People of S*%!". I did not fully realized how and what I was doing to prove myself to others, but after a little thought I now know its so true. No matter how fly or how fab I presented myself as, the reality was that I spent the majority of my time trying to convince other people, people that were doing nothing to improve my life, that they needed me in their lives and that I was truly fly and fab. But if I have to convince anyone that I'm needed in his or her life, that's not a relationship that is worth pursuing. You should be on TEAM S. LEE from the beginning. I'm not convincing anyone about me. You should be absolutely sure from day one. I'm done selling myself like some sort of product. If anyone cannot recognize and comprehend your fierceness then they are clearly not on your level. We get so confused believing that we have so much to prove. People are going to think and say whatever they want about you regardless of how much you try to change their opinions, therefore the energy of convincing is wasted. There are other, more important things that energy can be exerted on and personally, I'm now going to focus on those things. It's really get with it or get lost.

Feeling Some Type of Way

Posted on 7:42 AM comments (2)
Labels: Break-Ups, Life, Relationships

Jealousy is a strong emotion. It can make ordinarily sane people do some crazy things. Ok, so you messed around with someone. Maybe it was your man or your girl, maybe it was a situation you wanted to progress into something more, or maybe it was just that thing you did to pass the time. No matter what it was, for whatever reasons, it's over now and that other person wants so badly for you to feel some type of way about what used to be. You've moved on and they say they've moved on, so what is the problem? Selfishness and jealousy.

I like to call these people THE DISSENTERS. They are that oppositional force that prevent you from moving forward in your life. Relationships and unrealized dreams from your past encounters together bring much animosity to your current situation. They are stuck in the past. Living and lingering in there own regret of what they missed. They resent the fact that the best thing they ever could have had is now gone, and they are unhappy. It's cliché but true: misery loves company. They are miserable in their own existence, sad without you, and jealous of the fact that you are doing better and better. So what do they do? Anything in their power to bring you down.

Me feeling NO type of way about my dissenters!

They lie, they hate, they try to make you jealous, and do whatever it takes to destroy any good thing in your life. They make it clear, through their actions that you and your situation are something that they still feel some type of way about. If they really "move on" they would be indifferent or even happy for you, wishing you the best. The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference. Hate is only an embodiment of the passion and emotion they still carry for you. But just because they feel some type of way doesn't mean you have to, too. Their issue is just that, their issue. They need to deal with festering feelings and resentment without you: it's not your responsibility. We cannot allow other people's problems and inability to let go of the past stop our forward progress.

When an encounter is over, it is healthy to move on, because in due time everything must come to an end. So don't feel bad about not feeling some type of way about what used to be. Coulda, woulda, shoulda aren't important ideas in the present. These thoughts actually aren't important ever. You cannot live your life looking backward. If the relationship ended, it ended for a reason. Believe that all things happen for the best. Understanding this will allow us rise above the bullshit that dissenters may bring.

The Miseducation of Me

Posted on 3:16 PM No Comments
Labels: Change, Lesson, Life, Love, Men, Reflection, Relationships

To miseducate is to improperly educate.

I thought I could change a man but I could not have been more wrong. I liked him. He liked me. There were things that I didn't like but it was like my 80/20. He had 80% of the qualities that I wanted but i was still seeking that 20%. I thought I could mold him and make him into what I wanted to be. I was so caught up in the things that he was not that I missed all the wonderful things that he was. I wanted a bad boy so I provoked him and started fights. I said he was too nice so I pushed him away. I played with his emotions for my own peaty desires for drama. I broke up with him because I felt I was missing out on life, and I left him to his own devices.

But that's not the worse. Once I realized I left my 80 trying to get that 20 I wanted him back. I went to work. I finally opened up told him, I really felt, and prayed that he would take me back. I thought with all of my scheming and plotting ways I could snap and he would coming running back, but reality is a bitch. He didn't come running back. I drove miles and miles expecting for everything to be like it was with a bat of my eyelash and I was wrong.

He changed. He became more like the 20 and less like the 80 I was in love with. It was my fault. Random indiscretions. Random girls all the time. And that left me with random insecurities. Where he is? Who he's with? How he feels about me? He embraced the role I threw him into, and all the changes that thought I wanted pushed us further and further apart, and we were both shells of the wonderful people we used to be.

Lose Some Weight

Posted on 2:17 AM comments (1)
Labels: Life, Love, Relationships

I friend of mine recently asked me, "do you ever feel like you speak and no one understands what you say?" Stopping to think, I acknowledge the fact that this is not only my reality, but also the reality of many others. To speak and to be misunderstood and misinterpreted is more common that we think or believe. The primary factor in the breakdown of most relationships, whether they are romantic or platonic, communication failure. We all have baggage, and to every relationship we bring this excess weight composed of our preconceived notions, personal experiences, biases and prejudices. We carry every hurt, every tear, every memory; after a relationship we grab our suitcases pack all of them to capacity. Overflowing with pain, long-suffering, hate, disdain, and confusion, we travel to the next with all these feelings and ideas in tow. These personal biases and preconceived notions create the gap between reality and perception causing us to fail at communicating what is real. Most of all we fail at communication because we are deeply afraid of what we really have to say and what we really feel. Fear. It's debilitating. It's paralyzing. We live in fear of being truly happy. We are scared to relinquish all drama from our lives, so we consciously and unconsciously sabotage all we come in contact with. Some are afraid that without the drama they will become bored or less than entertained, but their lives are so mundane that they need that unnecessary drama to fill a void. A void that should be filled by purpose or service to others, and we will do what ever is necessary to insure that the drama exists. As humans, we are peaty, weak and peaty. We attack and viciously tear down those who have seemingly transcended the triviality that is life and adolescence. These people are parasites, or leeches if you will. They thrive on the livelihood of others, and they have the potential to suck the life from each of us it we let them. Because they are too weak or too lazy to leap over their own stumbling blocks they lie down and become stumbling blocks for others, making life that much harder. If you cannot relate or this doesn't apply to your life, I commend you, but for the other 99% of us something must be done. We must lose some weight (and I do not mean in the dieting and treadmill way). The emotional luggage that is over-stuffed and being dragged from place to place with us must be purged. We have to throw out those things that are not conducive to us becoming our personal best. We need to reevaluate all the things we carry. It is necessary to take a moment to reflect, unpack our bags, and review all we have inside. An emotional check up if you will. I am not suggesting that we ever forget those people, places, and experiences that made us who we are, but we must reconcile who we were at those various points with the people we want to be now. If they don't match, we've got work to do. Cleaning up our emotional state is not a one-day thing; it is an ongoing process that must be remembered for the sake of mental health. By allowing old pain and old hurt to come along with you to future relationships, it leaves room for those old feelings to adversely affect the new you. So learn from your past, leave all excess weight in the present, and wisely choose what you desire to carry into the future.

Where do broken hearts go??

Posted on 11:29 PM No Comments
Labels: Break-Ups, Life, Love, Relationships

Quite a few years ago Whitney Houston raised a question that has plagued me for sometime now; where do broken hearts go? I know for a fact that they certainly do not melt away. They are not magically made whole again by another relationship or becoming the object of another's affection. They are not mended with love songs and Ben & Jerry's. And most importantly they cannot be repaired with the manifestation of emotion through sex. Believe me, I speak from experience. Having tried all of the above to no avail. Its like putting a band-aid on a gun shot. These remedies that society, our friends, and our peers tell us that should cure whatever love ailment we have are lies. Blatant and misleading, they are superficial antidotes that really do nothing but leave us living in self-doubt and a relentless pity. We choose to believe a broken heart is like a puzzle that can be simply and perfectly placed back together when it is more like a torn ACL, that takes ages to heal and is never quite as good before. Once it is broken, ones heart is never quite the same. You can never feel as much, never give as much: point blank you will never love the same. Its a difficult concept to grasp, especially while in the crux of the situation. Emotional and subjective a broken heart can be the worst type of pain and one that no pain killer can alleviate. While this may seem clouded with doom and personal recollection, I do have a point; while having your heart broken is painful and lingering, each day it hurts a little less, and the pain becomes manageable. I will not lie and say it goes away because honestly I do not believe that it ever completely does, but it will lessen. But you will relapse. You will hear that song (or songs in my case--a whole iTunes playlist worth) that remind you of him or her. You will pass that movie theater where you went on your first date. You will remember the exact booth you sat in at your first dinner together. You will smell a scent that takes you directly back to the moment when you laid together in perfect peace feeling like you were the only two people in the world. You will remember the touch that sent chills through your body. You will reminisce. You will think of what could have been, what should have been, and you will hold on to the fleeting desire of what still could be. Sadness is inevitable. Remorse is customary. But we must lean into this discomfort and fight through the low moments because they are necessary evils. Sufrir es crecer meaning to suffer is to grow. There is a purpose in the pain. So where do broken hearts go? Honestly, no where. They remain with us forever, and they carry important life lessons that make us stronger and able to withstand much. Just know they never go away: with time what was unbearable becomes more acquiescent.