j'adore fabulosity

We all know it. Some of us run from it, some seek it to feel complete, and others avoid it all together. If you've ever been in an relationship you know what I'm talking about:COMMITMENT. I'll be the first to admit that I have a major problem with it. I like to call my commitment anxiety. The thought of giving all of myself, wholly and completely to one person scares me. Much is required when two individuals decide to be committed to each other, and at twenty-years-old I don't honestly believe one knows how to even go about doing so. Commitment is largely a learning process. It's not static; it is a continuum. As we live, experience, grow, and develop we become better suited to commit. But the problem arises when our significant others don't recognize that the capacity and desire to settle down and be monogamous is not instantaneous nor second nature for everyone.

My lived experience has put me in a position where being committed to one individual has constantly caused strife. My dedication was abused, ignored, and unappreciated which changes everything. I lost the ability to give of my innermost self to anyone. Everything that commitment once stood for (passion, love, devotion) has was stripped away, so for me commitment is much easier said than done, and I know I'm not the only one.

I'm scared. Commitment is one of my biggest fears because it requires one to be completely exposed and blatantly vulnerable to possible hurt, pain, and disappointment. I've been hurt; it's not a good feeling. I've known pain; it's not as bearable as people like to make it seen. I've felt disappointment; it's much stronger and longer lasting than it seems. As much as we want to deny it, fear plays some role in our everyday lives. I hate letting my fear of hurt dictate the path and depth of my relationships. It's hard to get beyond this, but it is something that must be done to make a relationship more than a fleeting moment of attraction.