j'adore fabulosity

I'm closing one chapter so that I may open a new one. I have left this unsaid for far too long. I have let it slowly eat away at me. So much that I have become unable to love and unable to celebrate and be happy in REAL love, not the bullshit excuse for love I thought we had. I loved you. A deep, unexplainable, impratical, illogical love and maybe I have held onto this for so long because in some ways I still love you. But that is no excuse. You treated me like shit. You played with my emotions, lied, and lied some more. Maybe my immaturity added fuel to the fire but my time with you meant total combustion for my heart. I didn't know what pain really was until I met you. I didn't begin to understand suffering until you waltzed into my life. If I remember correctly when it all came down to it you pursued me?!?! But you were about lies even from that point. I wasn't looking for love or even anything too serious but I did like you. You took it there. Not me. I just got caught in the tangle web you wove, and when the shit hit the fan you weren't even man enough to face me. You actually stopped talking to me all together like I was in the wrong. Confusion. All this time I thought it was my fault the way the situation went with us but as of late I realize it was you. Yes I played a role and I could have handled it better but you were the reason shit got ill. I wasn't even pressed for the title. You said you only wanted it to be you and me so from there it was you and me and I was ok with that. Then magically one day everything changed. You hurt me and I have been living in that pain ever since. You have moved on with your life. I'm happy that you're happy and I wish you all the best. I have learned that the karma you put out into the world does come back to you. Maybe not today or tomorrow but at some moment when you least expect it you will truly understand all the pain and suffering you put me through. Now, I can finally let it go. I can live. I can be happy. Because I let yo go I can feel love, give love, and appreciate love. Thank you for the lessons you taught me. I've already forgiven you but I never want to forget.

Dear Love,

We all know it. Some of us run from it, some seek it to feel complete, and others avoid it all together. If you've ever been in an relationship you know what I'm talking about:COMMITMENT. I'll be the first to admit that I have a major problem with it. I like to call my commitment anxiety. The thought of giving all of myself, wholly and completely to one person scares me. Much is required when two individuals decide to be committed to each other, and at twenty-years-old I don't honestly believe one knows how to even go about doing so. Commitment is largely a learning process. It's not static; it is a continuum. As we live, experience, grow, and develop we become better suited to commit. But the problem arises when our significant others don't recognize that the capacity and desire to settle down and be monogamous is not instantaneous nor second nature for everyone.

My lived experience has put me in a position where being committed to one individual has constantly caused strife. My dedication was abused, ignored, and unappreciated which changes everything. I lost the ability to give of my innermost self to anyone. Everything that commitment once stood for (passion, love, devotion) has was stripped away, so for me commitment is much easier said than done, and I know I'm not the only one.

I'm scared. Commitment is one of my biggest fears because it requires one to be completely exposed and blatantly vulnerable to possible hurt, pain, and disappointment. I've been hurt; it's not a good feeling. I've known pain; it's not as bearable as people like to make it seen. I've felt disappointment; it's much stronger and longer lasting than it seems. As much as we want to deny it, fear plays some role in our everyday lives. I hate letting my fear of hurt dictate the path and depth of my relationships. It's hard to get beyond this, but it is something that must be done to make a relationship more than a fleeting moment of attraction.

In the midst of the storm it is often so hard to see the purpose in your suffering. It's hard to fully understand your place. It's even harder to focus on the greater cause. I am a firm believer that to those who much is given, much is required, so with this responsibility comes pain and long-suffering. At times some of us are better at disguising our pain and our suffering than others, but it is still there. Myself, I choose to struggle in silence. I put on my game face and go out into the world and smile and pretend that every thing's all good; I was told to never let anyone see you in pain because it affords them the ability to use that weakness against you. But often times it's not that simple. I find myself in situations that push me to the limits of what I believe I can tolerate, only to realize I am stronger than I originally thought. Sometimes succumb with hopelessness and helplessness, it seems impossible to continue. Then I remember something my very wise grandmother told me, It's only a test.

Everything that we go through serves a greater purpose in our lives. Weather it's teaching us a necessary lesson or preparing us for people we will experience in the future, each happening is of importance. I know personally that it is so easy to become discouraged and want to give up, but by doing so we do ourselves a major disservice: we loose the valuable things we could become and opportunities for self-improvement. This might not resonate with some of you who have never really been through anything in life, but for those of you who have, remember your struggle is not in vain. I'm in the midst of my storm and I had to learn to be okay with that. It causes discomfort, but I have to lean into that discomfort in order to press into my future. I'm waiting for my breakthrough. I know it's on the way. Like me, some of you are being tested, being shaped, being molded in something so much better and so far greater that what you are now you will look back and not be able to recognize who you were, and that's a good thing.

It wouldn't be right if I didn't quote Kanye, "Na, na, now that that don't kill me, can only make me stronger." Just know, suffering is important to having a meaningful experience here on this Earth. The more isolated you feel the closer you are to your change. The more hurt and anguish you experience, the better you are becoming. Do not be discouraged, yet appreciate your current state. Even though you might not be able to see it, remember that the light is still at the end of the tunnel. Always remember, it's only a test so push through the pain, and I promise you will be better for it in the end.