j'adore fabulosity

It's been a minute since I've made a post, but that only because I have had difficulty figuring out where I am in life, and as of lately I have not been sure. It has taken a lot for me to get to the point where I can admit that I did not know where I stood. Confusion especially about life is something that we are taught to fear thus we avoid admitting this uncertainty. For awhile I had this fantasy in my head. I tried to change. I tried to fit this mold. I ceased being me, and when I realized that the situation would not play out the way I desired over ego and jealousy, I had to stop and think. Is this where I should be? Should I change myself just to be accepted by females that are too weak to stand on their own and resort to "mob mentality" to seem cool?? If anything, from this I have learned to always be true to who I am and never shrink so that others won't feel insecure around you. I still do not know exactly where I am, but I am no longer in holding or in proxy waiting to be "picked" or "liked" by anyone. Self-reliance has gotten me thus far and self-reliance will keep me going. Now, if you aren't helping me to improve my life you are doing nothing for me, and therefore not worth my time. Dr. Seuss said it best, "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
So here I go...
It's difficult when things don't work out according to your plan. We all have those visions of perfection and delusions of grandeur. I know I have. This school year I have experienced it all: I have been betrayed by those I thought were closest to me and unknown to them I have been the source of some betrayal but that only taught me to trust no one. I have lied and been lied to which only proved that you either play or get played. I have been the victim and the victimizer which only shows that at any moment are situation can flip. I have been hurt beyond belief while at the same time inflicting similar pain proving that hurt people hurt. I completely lost sight of who I was and what I stood for. I was so swept away by the pain I experienced, I lost myself. Too busy with trying to disguise it and seeking revenge for it, I let the pain engulf me. But I now know that success is the greatest revenge that can be experienced. If you are able to go on with your life, be happy and not be paralyzed by pain, here in lies the victory. Its not about sleeping around to evoke jealousy or talking slick to start drama. I sought out to forget everything buy seeking comfort in my vices, but I have learned it's about transcendence. But all the negative karma I put into the world I will have to account for, and thats a dangerous risk we run when we do things that are detrimental to ourselves and others. I've been in a valley, unable to gain momentum or enough energy to begin my assent. Sometimes we are forced to be still and linger in our low places. This discomfort and unrest allows us to appreciate the better things that have been and those good things that are to come. It's been a storm. Sometimes in life we go through storms, and it is all about our ability to come out on the other side a better, stronger person. Ultimately, we all have to pay for what we have done, but it is our responsibility stop the cycle of pain. "Penance done and penance more to do".