j'adore fabulosity

Life is full of disappointments. As of lately I've been so disappointed, but now I'm done with them because I will no longer be setting expectations.

....I just have to get out of here...move forward and not look back..

I have decided I'm inherently flawed...this is just sort of stream of consciousness

There comes a point in your life when you realize who cares, who never did, and who always will. Don't dwell on people from your past that have caused you pain, there is a reason they didn't make it to your future...good stuff...I think I'm at this point

"drowning past regrets in tea and cigarettes" good quote, good song

No matter where you go, you are what you are player
And you can try to change but that's just the top layer
Man, you was who you was 'fore you got here
Only God can judge me, so I'm gone
Either love me, or leave me alone
....Hov knows what he is taking about

I am learning to live with regret: a noun meaning to feel sorrow or remorse for (an act, fault, disappointment, etc.). I have always been they type of person who did not believe in regrets or remorse. My mantra was live life to the fullest and do whatever you please but now, as I mature I see that living life to the fullest doesn't mean employing reckless abandon; it means being the person you want to be. For me that would be a person with class, dignity, couth, refinement, polish, poise, and impeccable fashion sense. Now I see that I was never the person I thought I was or what I wanted to be. So consumed in what other people thought of me I and thought I should be, I lost sight of my goals. Now I reflect. A very smart person once said, "Life is choice driven. We live and die by the choices we make." So I know that my choices have shaped the shell of a person I have become.

this started as a letter then evolved into a poem then finally a way to vent and to say things I've always wanted to...

See I’m glad you think I’m sexy, but I need the one who thinks I’m beautiful

It was fun while it lasted, but I’m looking for something lasting

I wanted you since I first saw you the focus of all my passion

See I lay down beside you and there we made one

I gave you the one thing that was designated for my husband,

no condom, no drama, just fun

but in my heart I wanted commitment

thinking you could learn to love me the way I loved you

In your mind I was physically desired so we made it do what it do

See I was ok with being the main girl, now I need to be the only

In my mind such infatuation cause me to forget my goals

My morals, my values my beliefs just to be the one you’d hold

Every single night

I didn’t understand the magnitude and weight of my decisions

Blinded by…

I don’t want to be good for you when you on the verge of your peek

I want to be the perfect match fulfill every qualification you seek

I was even on my stupid, ghetto girl shit

Thinking I wanted your kid I thought that would make you say and want me all over again

I want you to think I’m beautiful but I can’t change that now

I gave you all of me

I’m pleased you like my stilettos and short dresses, but you should appreciate my sweats and uggs

This is harder for me than you will ever know because I just can’t let you in

I can’t allow myself to be publicly caught up so my embarrassment is held within

I gave up the best thing I had cause I thought I would get you

But you never said you wanted me as your girl I should have followed every clue

Now I’m really confused, you’re with some other girl

Your girlfriend, wifey

She’s in my spot, my place, my position

Playing my role but

I know everything she lacks I have

I’m everything you miss: all you could have had

I wanted to tell you but the words I could never quite verbalize

Sentences I couldn’t articulate so my emotions wore a disguise

Veiled in immaturity, cloaked in a suit of armor

My heart stupidly avoided all you could have offered

I treated you like just one of those things

So we could get it in

pretending like I hated strings

And things

That lead to something more

More than what we had, more than what we were

More, more I couldn’t give you

Now I sit

You consume all of me I see you in my dreams

Activating every sense

Your touch gently in places that I yearn for it to be again

your breath softly caressing the nape of my neck

but then I snap back to reality

from my fantasy,

my dream

I will never be over it

But, for now, I’m good

And wishing you all the happiness in the world…

Abyss

In the dark mistakes live and linger.

They thrive, survive, and refuse to pass away.

Creeping up slowly we can’t help but recall

all the choices we would rethink;

the insurmountable changes that would have made all the difference.

It is here that all that was hazy is made vibrant.

Illuminated by the stillness, the dark is, too, vibrant

allowing those thoughts we push away to linger.

No matter how much we fight, nothing brings about difference.

So toil and struggle, but it won’t go away.

Instead, choose ignorance as bliss so you won’t have to rethink,

you won’t feel, you won’t breathe, you won’t recall

The desire is to forget and never recall

the messes we’ve made: their memories rich and vibrant.

You want to move forward but before you must rethink

Live in the pain, lean to discomfort, and allow it to linger.

The longer it stays the stronger you become, so let time waste away,

and the more you live the more regret dies; you will know the difference.

But before they vanish, store the lessons, the memories, the difference

so that later you can always recall

necessary evils. They will serve as your compass to help weed away

and avoid those things that once caused pain, stole what was vibrant

robbed innocence, plagued your psyche, and in your heart did linger.

Believing they aren’t pertinent is a thought one should rethink.

Now I must rethink

how I have allowed my past to haunt my present and evoke difference

in my future. How I have refused to learn while allowing mistakes to linger.

My inherent flaws and my weak, malleable heart that forgets no person and not an emotion it doesn’t recall.

The choices that robbed, like a thief stealing what was vibrant,

reduced self-esteem, distanced me from my purpose, and drove focus away.

So here in the dark I waste away.

These haunting decisions I rethink.

Internally striving toward an existence clear and vibrant

A life that illuminates to make a difference,

but I’m in holding wanting to press into my future. The past I still recall.

The inseverable connection between the two is now apart of me, so here I linger.

"If you are what you say you are, a superstar, then have no fear"-Lupe