j'adore fabulosity

In the midst of the storm it is often so hard to see the purpose in your suffering. It's hard to fully understand your place. It's even harder to focus on the greater cause. I am a firm believer that to those who much is given, much is required, so with this responsibility comes pain and long-suffering. At times some of us are better at disguising our pain and our suffering than others, but it is still there. Myself, I choose to struggle in silence. I put on my game face and go out into the world and smile and pretend that every thing's all good; I was told to never let anyone see you in pain because it affords them the ability to use that weakness against you. But often times it's not that simple. I find myself in situations that push me to the limits of what I believe I can tolerate, only to realize I am stronger than I originally thought. Sometimes succumb with hopelessness and helplessness, it seems impossible to continue. Then I remember something my very wise grandmother told me, It's only a test.

Everything that we go through serves a greater purpose in our lives. Weather it's teaching us a necessary lesson or preparing us for people we will experience in the future, each happening is of importance. I know personally that it is so easy to become discouraged and want to give up, but by doing so we do ourselves a major disservice: we loose the valuable things we could become and opportunities for self-improvement. This might not resonate with some of you who have never really been through anything in life, but for those of you who have, remember your struggle is not in vain. I'm in the midst of my storm and I had to learn to be okay with that. It causes discomfort, but I have to lean into that discomfort in order to press into my future. I'm waiting for my breakthrough. I know it's on the way. Like me, some of you are being tested, being shaped, being molded in something so much better and so far greater that what you are now you will look back and not be able to recognize who you were, and that's a good thing.

It wouldn't be right if I didn't quote Kanye, "Na, na, now that that don't kill me, can only make me stronger." Just know, suffering is important to having a meaningful experience here on this Earth. The more isolated you feel the closer you are to your change. The more hurt and anguish you experience, the better you are becoming. Do not be discouraged, yet appreciate your current state. Even though you might not be able to see it, remember that the light is still at the end of the tunnel. Always remember, it's only a test so push through the pain, and I promise you will be better for it in the end.

Plies "Bust It Baby" TV Show Casting...Sooo not Fab!



http://youtube.com/watch?v=2MntO02WLpk

I think it's hilarious when "mature" men and women play games. I think its even funnier when they fall for you and are so afraid of being hurt that they pretend you don't matter. I understand saving face because when it comes to relationships no one wants to be embarrassed, but I need people carry on their affairs like adults for once. It hurts to have your heart broken, trust me I know from too much experience, but faking can hurt just as bad because you continue to interact with that individual, wanting them, and missing out on all the good things they have to offer. So why fake? Why keep up meaningless, purely sexual encounters when you could have so much more? People fear vulnerability. They shun emotions. The idea that a real, meaningful relationship could take work and possibly cause pain turns the toughest guys and the baddest ladies into punks. We punk out. Period. Fear is dangerous because it causes people to place limitations on their lives, and living scared is not living at all.

But one thing I've realized is that there is no convincing someone that falling for you can be a good. That takes trust, and trust is earned. I gave my trust freely one time and it was violated and I'm sure this is the issue with so many others, but we have to be able to get over our past hurts in order to be better and do better in our future. So when you find that one, the one you know you've fallen for, don't let bullshit, ego, and saving face stop you all from making something real. When you know that no one else can touch him just like you do, when you understand that no one else knows where to rub after a hard day at practice, when you can do some things to him that will gets him so right all he can do is sleep, when you find yourself trying to see him all the time, when you're apart all you think of is the next time you will be together, when you got him so good that he's cooking breakfast, if you could just sit up and talk about life not even getting tired: IT'S REAL. And real is hard to find, so take advantage and don't let it slip away or else you will have to live with regrets for loosing your good thing.

The Lox had it basically right, money, power, and respect are three things that can and will open the doors to success in this life, and in relationships the second and third are especially true. When you surrender your power and your respect in a romantic relationship, it's doomed to fail. Now don't get me wrong, I don't mean power in the sense of total domination and control, I mean the power that you have over yourself and the same can be said for respect. I can't even begin to number the times that I have talked to individuals about the problems in their relationships only to find that the underlying issue was not with their significant others but with them.
As a woman, I know that when we find someone we think is "the one" we tend to give all of ourselves, including our power. We loose control, ourselves, and our self-respect for men. We allow relationships to define us and determine our happiness. We are willing to surrender our own individual existence for what we think is the greater good of the relationship, but usually this is not an action of equality or reciprocity. Cluelessly we handover our self respect, dignity, and pride. Chasing men, believing their every word, doing whatever, whenever they want is so unhealthy. We make them our everything and when they leave we have nothing only leaving us angry, bitter, and mad as hell.
But this can be avoided. 1st, we have to know our worth. Women settle for less than the best because we don't appreciate how much and how good we really are. If we knew better, we would do better. We would not sell ourselves short, wasting precious months and years on men that aren't even worth our seconds. 2nd, we have to stop giving up our power. When we succumb to the will of men we give them control over our lives, and they dictate our happiness. 3rd and finally we must demand respect. But to do so we have to first respect ourselves by not allowing men to degrade and demean us and more importantly by not degrading and demeaning ourselves. Respect is earned, so to earn it we must prove to ourselves and everyone else that we are worthy.

--"Love yourself enough to live life for you and nobody else"--

"Damaged"-Danity Kane
"She Can't Love You"- Destiny's Child
"I Remember" -Keyshia Cole
"The Way That I Love You"-Ashanti
"Last Time" -Trey Songz
"Ya Man [Girl] Ain't Me"- Chris Brown

According to dictionary.com friendship is a state of intimacy between or among an individual or a group of individuals, but according to my personal definition it is so much more. When speaking on such a topic I gotta quote the great Hov, "honesty, loyalty, friends, and then wealth". But in college it can seem that life becomes "every many for himself." No matter how deep you believe a connection to be or how strong you think you've forged a bond, it can be violated. When it comes too friendship there are three things that I consider off-limits:
1. My stilettos
2. My male left-overs
3. Saying thing behind my back that you never intend to bring to my face

I have developed a bond with each of these girls above over the past two years. Yes, I consider them friends, but all these rules have been violated. But there is much I have come to realize. Life is too short to alienate those who have held you down from day one. At some point in life we all have secrets and violate the unwritten rules of sisterhood, so she that is without sin can cast the first stone. G-Unit, as we've been called, is definitely guilty of disrespecting sisterhood, and I've even thought, at times, that we were only friends out of convenience. Honestly, as much as we have gone through with each other, men, and definitely other females, something is still holding us together and I know that that is much more than convenience or coincidence. I cannot speak for everyone, but I know that when it comes down to it they will be there, and I can't say that about many others. The bottom line is knowing who will come through for your when everyone else doesn't care, who will fight with you when a bitch throws a drink in your face in the club, who would never let you walk out the dorm in something hideous that you thought was cute, who will be brutally honest when necessary, who will go in with you on the biggest bottle of goose of belv that the the liquor store has 6 weekends in a row, who will stay up until 4am on a Tuesday discussing relationships and bitchassness just because you need to talk, or who will hold you down through all the bullshit college can throw your way.

It's been a minute since I've made a post, but that only because I have had difficulty figuring out where I am in life, and as of lately I have not been sure. It has taken a lot for me to get to the point where I can admit that I did not know where I stood. Confusion especially about life is something that we are taught to fear thus we avoid admitting this uncertainty. For awhile I had this fantasy in my head. I tried to change. I tried to fit this mold. I ceased being me, and when I realized that the situation would not play out the way I desired over ego and jealousy, I had to stop and think. Is this where I should be? Should I change myself just to be accepted by females that are too weak to stand on their own and resort to "mob mentality" to seem cool?? If anything, from this I have learned to always be true to who I am and never shrink so that others won't feel insecure around you. I still do not know exactly where I am, but I am no longer in holding or in proxy waiting to be "picked" or "liked" by anyone. Self-reliance has gotten me thus far and self-reliance will keep me going. Now, if you aren't helping me to improve my life you are doing nothing for me, and therefore not worth my time. Dr. Seuss said it best, "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
So here I go...
It's difficult when things don't work out according to your plan. We all have those visions of perfection and delusions of grandeur. I know I have. This school year I have experienced it all: I have been betrayed by those I thought were closest to me and unknown to them I have been the source of some betrayal but that only taught me to trust no one. I have lied and been lied to which only proved that you either play or get played. I have been the victim and the victimizer which only shows that at any moment are situation can flip. I have been hurt beyond belief while at the same time inflicting similar pain proving that hurt people hurt. I completely lost sight of who I was and what I stood for. I was so swept away by the pain I experienced, I lost myself. Too busy with trying to disguise it and seeking revenge for it, I let the pain engulf me. But I now know that success is the greatest revenge that can be experienced. If you are able to go on with your life, be happy and not be paralyzed by pain, here in lies the victory. Its not about sleeping around to evoke jealousy or talking slick to start drama. I sought out to forget everything buy seeking comfort in my vices, but I have learned it's about transcendence. But all the negative karma I put into the world I will have to account for, and thats a dangerous risk we run when we do things that are detrimental to ourselves and others. I've been in a valley, unable to gain momentum or enough energy to begin my assent. Sometimes we are forced to be still and linger in our low places. This discomfort and unrest allows us to appreciate the better things that have been and those good things that are to come. It's been a storm. Sometimes in life we go through storms, and it is all about our ability to come out on the other side a better, stronger person. Ultimately, we all have to pay for what we have done, but it is our responsibility stop the cycle of pain. "Penance done and penance more to do".