j'adore fabulosity

I'm closing one chapter so that I may open a new one. I have left this unsaid for far too long. I have let it slowly eat away at me. So much that I have become unable to love and unable to celebrate and be happy in REAL love, not the bullshit excuse for love I thought we had. I loved you. A deep, unexplainable, impratical, illogical love and maybe I have held onto this for so long because in some ways I still love you. But that is no excuse. You treated me like shit. You played with my emotions, lied, and lied some more. Maybe my immaturity added fuel to the fire but my time with you meant total combustion for my heart. I didn't know what pain really was until I met you. I didn't begin to understand suffering until you waltzed into my life. If I remember correctly when it all came down to it you pursued me?!?! But you were about lies even from that point. I wasn't looking for love or even anything too serious but I did like you. You took it there. Not me. I just got caught in the tangle web you wove, and when the shit hit the fan you weren't even man enough to face me. You actually stopped talking to me all together like I was in the wrong. Confusion. All this time I thought it was my fault the way the situation went with us but as of late I realize it was you. Yes I played a role and I could have handled it better but you were the reason shit got ill. I wasn't even pressed for the title. You said you only wanted it to be you and me so from there it was you and me and I was ok with that. Then magically one day everything changed. You hurt me and I have been living in that pain ever since. You have moved on with your life. I'm happy that you're happy and I wish you all the best. I have learned that the karma you put out into the world does come back to you. Maybe not today or tomorrow but at some moment when you least expect it you will truly understand all the pain and suffering you put me through. Now, I can finally let it go. I can live. I can be happy. Because I let yo go I can feel love, give love, and appreciate love. Thank you for the lessons you taught me. I've already forgiven you but I never want to forget.

I like to think that I'm a work in progress. Growth. Development. Change. Evolution. These are all things I thought I prided myself on embodying. I thought I was different. I thought I was changing and for the better, but sometimes when standing in the midst of a storm it's hard to see the path right beneath you. Sometimes it takes a few days, months, or even years (and in my case it was years), distance, and greater life perspective to see the error of your ways. I am humbled. I am not the invincible person I so often portray. I got real life confused with this horrible script I chose to live out every single day and somehow the two became indistinguishable. I morphed into an entity that was completely unrepresentative of who I really was, my morals, and values. I ruined some of the best relationships I've ever had, I hurt people I care about, and I hurt people that I didn't even realize cared.

Now I care. I was always told to have no regrets, so I cannot say that I do, but I am sorry. Sorry for the person I was. Sorry for the things I said. Sorry for the way I behaved. Sorry to all those I knowingly and inadvertently hurt. Sorry for who I became. Sorry for all the negative energy I put into the world not only because it will come back on me but because it harmed others. But sorry isn't enough. I apologize. Sincerely and remorsefully apologize, and with an apology must come new actions.

Now it's time for real change.

My outward persona didn't match the person I believed I was on the inside. But now it's high time that they do. But words are just words. I'm done writing, blogging, and talking for now. I'm going to let my actions speak for themselves.